I've decided that maybe I can fit my entire Jump Scare story into my script, I just have to structure it a bit differently. So I have decided to condense it much more, having some scenes play concurrently instead. I've also started lightly editing it down, but there is much more of that required as I found when I went back to restructure.
I took some inspiration from Christopher Nolan's films, which manage to communicate a lot of information in a short amou nt of time by jumping back and forth and not always needing to represent conversations as realistically paced, opting instead to show just the most important bits. Inception for example:
Planning my new Structure:
Revised structure Scenes 1+2
(still needs editing)
INT. HOSPITAL - DAY
Over black we hear the sound of a slow heartbeat.
THE MARINE (O.S)
I get this feeling that there's something in the house with me, and not just at home, like it's following me everywhere I go and it's not just the presence, it's real, like I see it, like a hallucination--but a violent one Doc.
FADE IN
INT. HOSPITAL HALLS - DAY
THE DOCTOR is walking through the halls of a hospital, it's in slow motion, he has a clipboard in one hand and pockets a golden pen with the other, as he walks through the halls he nods to the nurses.
THE MARINE (O.S)
And I'm scared because it's causing a lot of stress on my heart, every time it's this visceral jump and I see this face come out of nowhere and there's this horrible screaming sound, it's like someone's playing a prank on me but it's, it's something evil--
EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - NIGHT
The camera pans down as The Marine exits his vehicle and walks towards his apartment door.
There's a sound in the driveway and he looks around.
Nothing but darkness.
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY
The Doctor is sitting behind his desk, across from him is THE MARINE.
2.
THE MARINE
--it happens infrequently at any point in the day I just get this horrible chill down my spine, hear noises in the house and follow it and turn around, or look to the side or something and this evil-like, well just--face lunges out at me and every time that pressure on my heart returns - like with my attack.
THE DOCTOR
How many times has it happened now?
EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - NIGHT
The Marine stares into the darkness.
Fog drifts over the damp grass.
THE MARINE (O.S.)
Since my surgery last month? About four times...and it doesn't always go as far as a jump, but I've had that paranoia come over me way more times than that.
He's not moving, a thousand yard stare.
A dog barks somewhere in the distance.
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY
The Doctor shifts in his seat.
THE DOCTOR
Well...that's actually perfectly normal for someone who's just undergone a heart attack, especially someone who was as seemingly healthy as you.
I've heard similar stories with many of my patients, it's not really a medical condition per se - it's shock.
3.
THE MARINE
Yes doc, but it's not--I-I'm awake when these things happen, in fact I'm awake all the time now because I'm losing sleep because of it, maybe there's something wrong with my pills or maybe just, maybe you could just help relieve my sleep deprivation
THE DOCTOR
If you're not sleeping than that's the source of your troubles, after a while it becomes hard to tell the difference between being awake and not--
The Doctor's phone vibrates on the table and the screen lights up, he gives it a quick glance.
EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - NIGHT
The Marine hurries across the lawn and goes to unlock his door.
The keys clatter and the door unlocks.
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY
The Marine leans in.
THE MARINE
Hey Doc, it's just it didn't happen before the surgery, there must be something that you could....
THE DOCTOR
It really isn't my area of expertise, I could maybe get you medication for the insomnia, but the actual ailment that you seem to be suffering from comes from a psychological place, if you're not seeing anyone already I could recommend a psychiatrist?
4.
THE MARINE
Your past patients, did they have the same experience as me, like did they see this thing too, or...
THE DOCTOR
Not exactl--similar experiences, as I said it's normal after such a traumatic exp--
There's a knock at the door and a nurse pops her head through:
THE NURSE
Doctor, I'm sorry but your needed urgently in the west wing
THE DOCTOR
Yes, I'll be right out
The Marine sits back annoyed.
The Nurse nods and close the door again.
THE DOCTOR
I'm sorry, I have to go, maybe we can reschedule this appointment?
THE MARINE
I'm afraid...this thing is playing some serious games with my heart--
INT. MARINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
The Marine enters his house, takes off his jacket and pins it to a coat hanger.
THE MARINE (O.S.)
--it's getting worse every time and it sounds like bullshit but you said it yourself, stress and fright can kill you, one of these days my heart's gonna stop doc...
He peers through his window, ensuring it's locked.
He closes the blinds.
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE
The Doctor's phone lights up, buzzing again.
The Marine gives the phone a sharp glance.
5.
The Doctor picks it up this time.
THE DOCTOR
Tell you what, I'll make a note.
He takes his gold pen and writes down on a pink post it note, he shows it to The Marine
THE DOCTOR
It says to get you something to help with the insomnia, and I'll put it right here in your file
He opens his file cabinet, which seems to be sorted by the type of ailment, and takes out The Marine's file and sticks the post-it note to it.
INT. MARINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
The Marine walks over to the kitchen and puts on the kettle.
He walks back to the lounge, there is another sound.
He cranes his neck around slowly, ear pricked.
The hallway dissapears into a black void.
THE DOCTOR (O.S.)
Next time you come I'll have that ready to go, but I have to leave now--
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE
The Marine gets up from his chair.
The kettle can be heard bubbling.
THE MARINE
This appointment took me a week to get and the attacks are getting worse, I'm gonna have another heart attack proper.
The Doctor looks him over.
THE DOCTOR
You're putting too much pressure on yourself, I've done what I can, what you need to do now is maybe just take a break from work, have some time off...
6.
INT. MARINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
The Marine approaches the dark hallway.
It slowly becomes lighter.
As it does it becomes clear that there is a silhouette standing in the one of the bedroom doorways.
The kettle burbles.
The Marine stares intensely.
It doesn't move. While slender and bent, it's shape is human.
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE
THE MARINE
That doesn't help, it happens at home - I told you it happens everywhere I go, how am I supposed to go on with my life if this doesn't get fixed?
THE DOCTOR
I don't know. And frankly it's not my problem, this is a personal matter that needs to be sorted with a psychological professional, it's not my area of expertise.
INT. MARINE'S APARTMENT
The Marine stands in the doorway to the hallway and looks down.
His hand is shaky as he reaches for the doorknob.
The water starts boiling.
THE MARINE
(to empty hallway))
Fuck off.
(O.S) The Doctor's phone buzzes
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE
The nurse's shadow at the door
7.
THE MARINE
My life is in danger, how is that not your area of expertise?
The Nurse knocks.
THE DOCTOR
I'm coming.
The Marine moves towards the door.
THE MARINE
I'm not leaving until someone helps me.
The Doctor looks at him contemplatively.
The Nurse enters again.
She lingers in the doorway.
THE NURSE
Doctor? Doctor you're needed urgently.
The two men look at her.
THE NURSE
It should be quick though...
THE DOCTOR
Okay, I'll be back in 20?
The Nurse confirms this with a thoughtful nod.
THE DOCTOR
Yeah 20 minutes, if you don't mind waiting I'll come back with the pills you requested, how about that?
THE MARINE
Sure
The Doctor takes something out of his desk and starts for the door
THE DOCTOR
Okay then.
He hurries to the door and the nurse excitedly exits into the hallway, on the way out The Doctor gives The Nurse a pinch in the butt and she giggles as they both walk away in a hurry.
8.
The Marine sits down frustrated.
(O.S) The kettle softly whines, slowly rising in pitch.
Exhausted, The Marine looks at the filing cabinet.
His eyes light up a bit.
He looks towards the door that was left ajar, gets up, pokes his head into the hallway.
Empty.
He closes the door gently.
He makes his way across the room to the filing cabinet, opens it where he saw his file, looks at his own file and the pink post-it, he looks at the other folders - they are all heart attack victims.
(O.S) The Kettle rises in pitch.
INT. MARINE'S APARTMENT
He walks over to his desk and flips open his laptop.
The door to the hallway opens a crack.
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE
They all seems to have undergone the same surgery as he did - he starts opening a could, only looking away to check over his shoulder as a shadow passes by the door. There are notes of similar experiences to what he had.
He starts taking photos of the other files with his phone.
Cut on camera snap:
INT. MARINE'S APARTMENT
He types something on the laptop.
His eyes race over the information he's reading.
The kettle rises in pitch.
He scrolls with the mouse.
The hallway door creaks open slowly.
9.
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE
The Marine closes the cabinet, picks up his jacket and exits the office.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLS
Starting to walk down the hall. He walks past a service cabinet, inside of which there is rummaging, through the bottom of the door two sets of feet can be seen, pants down by the ankles, The Doctor's golden pen falls and rolls towards the door.
The Marine walks down the hallways, and looks around nervously, a shadow passes behind him, he keeps walking. In a reflection he sees something and as he walks past a hallway he sees another shadow, he ignores these and heads out of the building.
INT. MARINE'S APARTMENT
The Marine is looking intently at the laptop screen.
The door creaks louder.
He looks up momentarily.
His phone is lit up next to the laptop.
He looks back, looks down at the phone and swipes right.
His finger moves back revealing one of the photos he took, a patient of The Doctor's file.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLS
The Doctor walks back through the hallway, he's buttoning up his shirt, he walks past another nurse who looks at him and he looks back. The title shows as the music crescendos:
_JUMP SCARE
INT. MARINE'S APARTMENT
This is played as a montage with the kettle slowly starting to boil as The Marine sees each name with the person's time of death, flashing in between are messages from their social media accounts where people congratulate them on their surgery or wish them luck, with condolences and goodbyes being given only a month or so later.
He finally finds one who is still alive, but when he googles him an article comes up about the patient attacking The Doctor at the hospital, he friend requests and sends the peculiar patient a message saying "I have the same condition, we should meet up, I suspect The Doctor might be accountable", the kettle comes to a boil here and he goes to turn it off.
10.
As he takes it off the stove and starts pouring he hears the sound again, this time it's followed by a crash.
He goes to the hallway door, picks up a bat and opens it slowly, he navigates his way down to the bedroom, inside he finds a picture frame on the floor smashed, he picks it up - it's of him and his old army pals.
He takes the picture with him as he walks back to the living room and finds the curtains wide open again, with wind moving them back and forth.
He places the picture on his desk and slowly approaches the window, which is indeed open.
He looks out at the driveway again and slowly reaches out closing the window.
He stares out for a bit, seeing only darkness, and as he's about to go close the blinds there is a sudden crash against the window, the face of the demon shows for a split second and he falls backwards, the sound of the heartbeat now fast. He holds his heart and grunts, the baseball bat lies on the ground, there is the sound of a messenger notification and on the computer screen there is a reply from the Ex-Patien
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